Major League Soccer's all-time all-name team


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When the Chicago Fire signed Bastian Schweinsteiger, they not only brought in one of the most famous names in the world of soccer football, but also one of the best names. 

Schweinsteiger — who was recently named captain for the MLS All-Star team’s game against Real Madrid on Wednesday — will also captain this MLS all-time all-name team.

Here’s the full squad:

Forwards

Quincy Amarikwa

Teams: San Jose Earthquakes (2009-10, 2015-17), Colorado Rapids (2010-12), Toronto FC (2012), Chicago Fire (2013-15)

There’s very likely something fans say when Amarikwa scores a stellar goal that can’t be repeated here.

Herculez Gomez

Teams: Los Angeles Galaxy (2003, 2005-06), Colorado Rapids (2007-08), Kansas City Wizards (2008-09), Toronto FC (2015), Seattle Sounders FC (2016)

It seems Gomez was destined to be a famous soccer player from birth. “My dad always wanted me to be a footballer and wanted to give me a name that stood out,” Gomez said in an interview with FIFA.com in 2012. It worked. Gomez earns a nod here for using his first name on the back of his jersey during his time with the Galaxy.

Also considered: Alecko Eskandarian, Fabian Espindola, Kennedy Igboananike, Maximiliano Urruti

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Midfielders

Mauricio Cienfuegos

Team: Los Angeles Galaxy (1996-2003)

The man of “one hundred fires” is a Galaxy legend who helped the team reach four MLS Cups, winning one.

Stephen King

Teams: Chicago Fire (2008), Seattle Sounders (2009-10), D.C. United (2010-12)

King had a relatively brief career in MLS, but did manage more appearances (77) than published novels by the famous author with the same name (56). 

Bastian Schweinsteiger ©

Team: Chicago Fire (2017)

Schweinsteiger (insert fist pump emoji here)! He’s certainly the most famous name on this list (he’s won the World Cup, Champions League and now has the Fire trending toward MLS Cup top contender status). People have debated through the years what Schweinsteiger means in German. It means “midfield mastermind.” Actually, not really. Some seem to think it means “pig climber,” and that’s probably not accurate either.

Jonny Steele

Teams: Real Salt Lake (2012), New York Red Bulls (2013-14)

Steele’s had a vagabond soccer existence, having also played for lower-tiered U.S. teams with all-name nicknames such as the Syracuse Salty Dogs, Rochester Raging Rhinos and Carolina RailHawks. Steele might also possess the best adult movie star name in the league’s 22-year history. 

Also considered: Dilly Duka, Fred, Macoumba Kandji, Predrag “Preki” Radosavljevic, Wil Trapp

Defenders

Ted Chronopoulos

Teams: New England Revolution (1996-2002), MetroStars (2002)

Despite appearing in 162 games and logging 13,690 minutes of on-field play over the course of seven MLS seasons, Chronopoulos is probably best known for a highly publicized lawsuit against now-defunct team Chivas USA that was explored on an episode of HBO’s “Real Sports.” 

Abdoulie Mansally

Teams: New England Revolution (2007-12), Real Salt Lake (2012-15), Houston Dynamo (2016)

Mansally once went by Kenny, but opted to go by Abdoulie (pronounced ab-DOO-lie) to be truer to his Gambian roots. His last name is pronounced exactly as you would expect.

PC

Team: Orlando City (2017)

His real name is Victor Giro, but like any Brazilian soccer player worth his salt, PC doesn’t go by his given name. That being said, PC is quite unusual, even by Brazilian standards.

Jelle Van Damme

Team:  Los Angeles Galaxy (2016-17)

You could say that Jelle Van Damme approaches soccer very much like Jean-Claude Van Damme’s movie characters take on antagonists.

Also considered: Harrison Afful, Ugo Ihemelu, Ben Sweat, Vytas

Goalkeeper

Jonny Walker

Teams: Dallas Burn (1996), MetroStars (2003-04), Columbus Crew (2005-06)

Walker is the answer to a trivia question … who replaced Tim Howard when he left the MetroStars for Manchester United? It was the goalkeeper whose name is impossible to forget.

Also considered: Preston Burpo, Joe Cannon, Josh Lambo, Faryd Mondragón

PHOTOS: Best of the 2017 MLS season

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